There are times that I battle with my ego and lose. Sometimes I crave the spotlight, but when that occurs I remember what happened when the spotlight became my addiction.
I was working as a sales consultant with a bank. My commitment was to save a fledgling sales program that had cost a lot of money but was failing.
The bank needed me to turn the sales program around to help the leaders that had been working so hard to make it succeed.
I had a purpose that involved helping others, and for months I worked tirelessly with similarly motivated leaders. My energy seemed to be boundless, and I looked forward to waking up every morning.
As the program started to finally move forward, my star began to shine a little more brightly. I received accolades from the CEO, and literal applause from line leaders. I was in the spotlight.
That spotlight was like crack. Suddenly my goal shifted from helping others to keeping the spotlight on me. I began to notice how others were trying to infringe on “my turf,” and I fought my way into every project. When someone else received recognition, I stopped being as happy for them. They were being handed my drug, and I needed a fix.
During this time, I lost my energy and became easily irritated. My modus operand went from “How can I help you?” to “How are you helping me?”
I quickly learned that standing in the spotlight day-in and day-out burns you out. The light begins to reveal flaws, and your willingness to share the warmth lessens.
I was miserable and paranoid and very quick to anger. I found fights where there were none.
Finally, I let go of the addiction. I found another noble purpose and left the spotlight. I found my energy again, and sweated a lot less. When my focus became helping others, I felt better about myself.
Spotlights are nice for brief periods, but don’t stand in them too long. Share them, and your energy will increase.
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Donna,
This is highly introspective and courageous -very few people have the guts to take a hard look at themselves. I’d like to say that your post doesn’t ring any bells with me, but the fact is that I see some of myself in your experience, or at least I feel fear because I recognize the potential within myself to fall prey to my narcissism. (I have the best narcissism on the east coast, by the way; never will you see such beautiful vanity such as that found in my narcissism. I use conditioner.) your post is wonderful and thank you for sharing it!
Robert: Thank you! This was a little frightening to put out there, but it’s simply the truth . . . I recently read a piece that said if you aren’t truthful in your writing, then you’re adding nothing to the world. Well, here is my narcissism to throw in the pile. I am sure I will be borrowing your conditioner at some point, but hopefully you will help knock me back in line :). I really appreciate your feedback. Donna