Do you spend a lot of time listing the negative traits of others around you? Maybe you need to stop. Here’s why.
In a research study, participants watched a video where an actor talking about an acquaintance. He described negative traits about this acquaintance, such as “he hates animals.” He talked about how this acquaintance walked up to a store and kicked a puppy that was in his way. The entire monologue concerned the acquaintance, not the actor who was speaking.
However, when participants were asked to rate the personality of the speaker, they consistently attributed the negatives traits to him.
This is known as “spontaneous trait transference,” and it clearly illustrates the negative potential of gossiping about others. When you are listing negative characteristics of another person, the people listening to you are actually associating those traits with you.
I know leaders who spend too much time mocking other colleagues and leaders. They get a quick laugh, a wink, and often become popular (if charming enough). However, people will soon tire of the negativity. In the meantime, the leader that has been positive about others will build respect and a following.
This information might not surprise you, but it’s a good reminder. The next time you are listing all of the negative qualities about a friend or colleague to someone, remember that those comments are a boomerang that’s coming right back to define you.
Tips:
- Spend more time building up those around you. You don’t have to be Pollyanna, but understand that what you spend your time talking about defines you.
- Leaders, in particular, need to be aware of how they come across in meetings. Be the leader in a meeting that verbally expresses what WILL work rather than what won’t work.
- Understand that, although people love gossip, the damage to your reputation will be unavoidable. Gossip is quick fun with long-term consequences. Don’t get sucked in to “Did you hear about . . .?”
Our words are boomerangs, and will come back to us.
The question is, what kind of boomerang are you throwing out?
4 comments. Leave new
This is a really interesting post and excellent explanation of somethign I inately knew and understood. I depside gossip and negative talk abour competition so much so that I believe responding dispays poor character and reflects negatively on the responder.
The other night, a client was bad mouthing one of my wife’s competitors hoping to engage me and get some feedback. At each prompt, I smiled and said “no comment.” They finally got it, smiled, and moved on.
Question: Does spontaneous trait transference occur during a review when expressing criticism to the person being reviewed?
Gary: This is a great question! In my work as a change warrior, I’d have to say that, yes, transference does occur during a review. Having to provide a lot of difficult feedback following different assessments, I have often told other change warriors that you have to have the courage to both provide the news and understand that you will always be associated with it. People like to have me around during the change, but they’re glad to see me go once the change has become the norm. Those are my thoughts. Others?
I have one friend who has been outstanding over the years in this area. We worked together for over five years, and she consistently and tactfully avoided gossip the whole time. She is my role model!
It’s so easy to get caught up in the gossip and share our own frustrations, but gossip is just a way to defend ourselves through complaining – and it never builds trust with anybody. No wonder that friend was your role model, LIsa!