Moving my daughter to New York City was not an easy task. Not only was I having to help her prepare, I was driving her there and moving her in. If you want the funny side of this story, check out this link at my www.damenationblog.com site.
Late Sunday night, after we had driven seven hours and moved her into an unairconditioned apartment on a 100+ degree day in New York, we lay down on air mattresses to try and sleep in our private sauna.
My daughter looked at me and said, “This is a lot. I have so much to do. I’m not even sure where everything is.” She interned last year in Manhatten, but this was Brooklyn, and she was a little lost. I saw the look on her face, and shared with her a few lessons about change that I learned as a preacher’s kid that moved. A lot.
The earliest steps of change are the most frightening. You are leaping into the unknown, and human nature prefers to be in control. I felt her pain, and shared these lessons:
- If it doesn’t feel scary, it’s not change. Change should make your heart pound and cause your stomach to drop. Adrenaline has to kick in so you can make the transition. The planning stages of change are exciting because you’re not there yet, but actually making the change is a different story. If you’re not questioning everything, you’re not changing enough.
- Even if there’s a net, you have to act as if one does not exist. In a moment of parental weakness, I told my daughter she could come back home for a week to relax and look for a job from home. Bravely, she said, “What good would that do? I’d just have to start this all over. No, that’s not a choice. I’m here now.” Good for her. We all need to follow her example when venturing out. There is no net, there is no rearview mirror. We need to keep our eyes fixed on the next, incremental step.
- Cut out all what if’s. There’s one trap that can kill exciting change instantly, and that is what if? My daughter started in with “What if I can’t pay my bills?” “What if this apartment is never cool?” “What if my job is too far away from the apartment?” I advise people I coach to stop asking what if. Your body does not know the difference between imaginary situations and real ones. If you say, “What if I am confronted by a bear in Target today?” and you imagine the situation, your heart will speed up to help you with fight or flight (if you have any sense at all, you’re looking at flight on this one).
Change is frightening. Change makes you nauseous. Change is, well, change.
Confronting change strengthens the courage muscle. Don’t give up. Don’t play what if. Take one day at a time and celebrate every small success.
I think philosopher Khalil Gibran says it best:
“March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life’s path.”