When life seems a little too big, a little too frightening . . . when I am watching zombies in a futuristic show eating us all . . . I want to crawl backwards.
When I was simultaneously experience divorce and starting my own business, I wanted to move back to my childhood home, a place that I associated with routine and safety.
And, when my second husband and I found out that cancer had moved into our lives without an invitation, I called a friend who created a position for me that not only felt safe, but offered a bi-weekly check and vacation. As an entrepreneur, I had spent twelve years generating revenue and covering all expenses for my assistant and me. I became betrothed to security.
For a while, it felt right. I was in the same meetings I had experienced during my years as an internal employee, only the players had changed. I was presenting the same materials, only wrapped up in the bow of improved technology. I had backed into my professional womb, and it felt good.
Then I realized that crawling backwards is more like possession than relief . . .
You know those movies that depict people possessed by demons, and they do things like crawl backwards up the stairs? No? Well, obviously you haven’t watched as many terrifying movies as I have.
What I discovered on my backwards journey is that it’s more of a possessed crawl than an inspired journey. It is frantic, and filled with distorted memories.
The “womb” was no longer my home, and it cast me out . . .
My comfort zone became extremely uncomfortable. I wasn’t serving with passion. Life, in all of its annoying wisdom, quickly provided insurmountable obstacles that pushed me back out of the womb. It was time to face my soul’s forward journey with confidence.
The rebirth was not any prettier than actual birth; there was a lot of screaming, sweating, and lamaze breathing to get through the re-entry. And I’m pretty sure some Tylenol with Codeine would have been extremely helpful.
Change can feel a lot like hell . . .
And as Winston Churchill said:
Change can be difficult, and terrifying. There are moments when we all become possessed and try to crab crawl our way out of it.
But going backwards doesn’t work, partly because of those rose-colored glasses through which we view our past. Remember that man or woman you’ve always dreamed of getting back together with and then you went out on one date and instantly remember that he or she chewed with his or her mouth open and said “whatever” all the time?
We tend to sanitize our memories and dress them up so they’re easier to carry with us.
You know what’s truly amazing? Evolving. Taking that step. Being afraid but stepping forward anyway. That is faith, and that’s where you’ll find your next answer.