There once was a leader who accused a project team member of failing to hit a deadline. He delivered his accusation in front of the entire team. Even when the leader realized that the failure was due to something neglected on his desk for over a week, he refused to apologize. The failed relationship turned into negative team conversations that robbed the project of energy.
One apology could have made the difference.
— An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything. ~Lynn Johnston —
How Apologies are Misused
On a recent business call, I was frustrated by a leader who I felt was blocking forward movement. Finally I said, “Would it appease you if we did the following?” She responded and said, “The word ‘appeasement’ insinuates that I don’t have a valid point and you’re not listening to me.” She was right. I came back and said, “Well, I’m sorry if you think that’s what I mean, but what I’m saying is …”
Ladies and gentleman, apologizing for the other person is not a sincere apology. I never delivered the apology that might have healed that relationship. I’m going to do it today.
Other ways that we undermine the apology include:
- Preemptive apologies. Saying, “If I hurt your feelings during this process, then I’m sorry, but I can get intense.” Try apologizing if and when it happens.
- Generic apologies. Saying, “We’ve all had a difficult day.” Delivering an apology without being specific about why we are apologizing sounds like “Be quiet” rather than “I’m sorry.”
- Sarcastic apologies. Much like Steven Martin’s “Well, excuuuuuuse me,” sarcastic apologies do more damage than good.
3 Ways to Deliver Positive Apologies
Healthy people don’t want apologies to prove they’re right; they want apologies because they’ve been hurt.
–The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. ~G.K. Chesterton–
With this fact in mind, try the following techniques:
- Apologize as soon as possible. If you notice defensive body language or immediately realize your words are hurtful, apologize immediately. It’s never too late to apologize if you have neglected to do so.
- Apologize specifically. If you’ve hurt someone in a specific situation, reference that exact moment in your apology: “I’m so sorry I used the word ‘appeasement’ in my phrasing. You’re right, that was unfair and a badly chosen word.”
- Apologize sincerely. Use a tone that is strong but genuine.
These techniques can be used with your team or a significant other. Either way, there’s nothing that will mend a relationship faster than a sincere, specific, timely apology.
— Apology is a lovely perfume; it can transform the clumsiest moment into a gracious gift. ~Margaret Lee Runbeck —