8 Reasons I Prefer Ghosts to Guests

I am obsessed with the show Ghost Hunters. I travel all over the country with Jason, Grant, Steve, Tango, Kris and Amy in pursuit of the paranormal. Yes, this is how well I know this show.
Every night as I sweat on my elliptical machine, I pop in Ghost Hunters and relax. Some people are creeped out by ghosts, but I find them oddly comforting. Ghosts are welcome in my home any day.

Here are eight reasons why I prefer ghosts as guests:

1. They don’t make a mess. There are no crumbs on the floor, no spilled drinks, and no urine on the carpet (from the dog, not my kids).
2. They are quiet. To even hear their voice you have to use a machine called an EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon) and play it back really, really loudly.                   

3. They don’t disagree with every word I say. I love my children, but most of my ideas and insights are met with rolled eyes and a lot of “whatever.” Ghosts are opinionless-or at least you just can’t hear them. Either way, I’m satified.

4. They don’t use the microwave. There are no surprises when I open the microwave door and wonder why someone set off a bomb of tomato sauce in there.
5. They don’t force you to watch shows like “Trueblood.” No offense to my daughter, but that show actually makes me nauseous. Yes, it’s creative and well written, but if I see one more pint of blood or flesh I will vomit in front of the television.
6. They don’t beg for any of my meager diet meals. I sit down three times a day with a Jenny Craig meal that I cherish far beyond any amount of gold. Each night, my dog sits in front of me barking the entire time I eat. He apparently has a real taste for soy and bland vegetables.
7. They have good stories. Ghosts are rarely that boring woman that lived down the street from you for twenty years and hoarded newspapers. They are always Presidents or whores or Civil War soldiers just waiting to share their story.
8. They don’t watch Fox News or MSNBC. Mostly they want to give a message to somebody so they can skip off into the light. There are no biases or agendas.

Therefore, the next time you hear some distant chains rattling or see a shadow in the corner, just relax. You’re encountering the best guest you’ll ever have in your home.