The following is a paraphrased recounting of my morning prayers which have, lately, become badly influenced by menopause. My parents who were ministers taught me to be honest with my prayers, and I’ve stuck to their teachings. If my honesty makes you nervous, just stop reading. God will understand.
Good Morning God!
I would like to thank you for my beautiful children, supportive husband, and adorable dog. I have a lot for which to be incredibly grateful.
[The dog, who is sitting next to me, expels an enormous amount of gas. I pause to catch my breath and question my gratitude for the dog.]
Thank you for my overall health, although this recent, anonymous pain in my thigh is causing me to walk around the house like Festus from Gunsmoke. I’m sure that it will disappear as quickly as it came upon me. And I don’t think Festus was quite that lucky, so I shouldn’t complain.
[I pause, sure that God is wondering why I’m suddenly rambling on about about a fictional character.]
My house is beautiful, even though it’s been without power for over 24 hours from a storm that lasted less than two. I know this sounds a little like a complaint, and maybe it is.
The country is quite beautiful, but not technologically friendly. I love the sound of actual birds tweeting, and realize that the sound of humans tweeting isn’t nearly as musical. In fact, human beings probably aren’t meant to tweet. I believe that Chris Brown is proof of this fact.
Overall, I am forever grateful for this amazing life I’ve been given, although I have a suggestion.
[I’m pretty sure that I hear God sigh.]
[quote button_text=”Tweet the Quote”]Menopause is not the best way to wrap up years of sacrificing for jobs or spouses or kids.[/quote]I think this might be why people are convinced you are of the male persuasion. Please consider rethinking this part of the human equation, right after you deal with starvation and other stuff.
[A hot flash overtakes me as I try to wrap up my prayer.]
See this, God? See my red face? Feel the sweat on my back? Not such a great move on your part. And, I hate to admit it, but the reason this prayer is going on for so long is because I know that if I stop talking I will doze off. I don’t really have the energy to face my days anymore. And, in case you’re going to suggest it, I can’t take hormones because of my family history.
[God probably laughs, since God knows he/she is not a doctor.]
And you know the big change we’ve been discussing – the one about me making a living as a writer? I’ve seen all kinds of signs from you affirming my decision. I saw an owl the other night, which is our secret sign for moving ahead. Of course it was disemboweling a rabbit on the side of the road, so I’m not sure if that one counted or not.
Did I do the right thing by completely changing my life, or was this just a side effect of menopause?
[Total silence.]
Same answer my husband has to that question. Well, I am going to force myself to get out of bed so I can hobble around and strip these sheets that are now sopping wet.
I’m sorry I went from gratitude to grouchy so quickly, but you created menopause, so I’m assuming you get it.
[Bird outside bedroom window starts to make a noise that sounds a lot like laughing.]
Nice. Thanks. Amen.