Dames Don’t Fall In The Woods

I’m sitting here sipping tea with foil all over my head looking like a schizophrenic trying to block the government from reading my thoughts. Actually, I’m in a beauty parlor turning just a few strands of my hair into what I call a shade of “pleasant memories.” Next to me, a young woman is prattling on non-stop about her weight and how hard it is for her to lose those last ten pounds. Perhaps it’s because she weights 85 pounds right now and she’s at least 5’6″ tall.

I, on the other hand, am a dame. Dames don’t worry about being skinny. If we’re a little heavier than most, we simply explain that we are time travelers from the Rubenesque period, just waiting for our time capsule flight home.

I hear her talking about Edward and instantly know she has leapt into the topic of Twilight. Edward is a vampire and the Rhett Butler of our day. Except that he’s the undead. Okay, now I’m having a hot flash and I do find myself longing for Edward’s cold, stone-like chest. I would press my face against it and he would become my personal ice-pack. I’m starting to see the appeal.

I read the “Twilight” series because my daughter asked me to and found them really fun to read. I’ll admit it – I couldn’t put them down. However, I did find the female character Bella really annoying. She’s the girl who twists her ankle while running through the woods, and needs two men to take care of her. In fact, she’s willing to sacrifice being human just to get her dream guy. Here’s why dames find that frustrating – we won’t give up who we are to make anyone else happy, we can make it on our own, and we rarely fall down in the woods.

I am going to take my little waif of a neighbor out and tell her that if she’s looking for vampires there are plenty of boyfriends that will suck the life out of her. Maybe then she’ll eat.