How a Chin Hair Makes Me a Menopausal Shaman

My daughter recently looked at my eyes and said, “Why are your eyelashes so thin?” Rather than smack her, I did the female thing and somehow felt guilty about not taking good enough care of my eyelashes. I looked into primers and thickeners and Latisse.

Another friend of mine recently said, “What’s happening to my lips? They’re disappearing!” She decided she was leaving them on her Starbucks coffee cup each time she drank coffee.

I’ve decided that we are not fading out, the Universe is simply rearranging our bodies to prepare us for our next stage of this journey. In fact, I have declared myself the Dame Shaman. Here are my enlightened perspectives.

Thinning Eyebrows: There is no doubt that women over fifty have tremendous knowledge to share, which impacts the thickness of our eyebrows. Where are our eyebrow hairs relocating? To our chins, so we can have some whiskers to stroke while dispensing wisdom.

Sagging Breasts: Unless we’ve already declared war on gravity with surgery, our breasts have changed their look. Why? They are protecting our rib cage in case of future falls. Breasts know that our balance isn’t what it used to be, and since they’ve already fed the kids they’ve moved on to become a protector of our bodies.

Jowls:  As our faces slide down and create little jowls, we begin to look more serious, which is much better for dispensing wisdom. Who would you ask for political advice — Sarah Palin or Winston Churchill? Exactly.

Lip Lines: Every Shaman looks a little crazy, convincing those around them that they understand things that are “other-worldly.” Nothing creates that look more effectively than lipstick creeping into the lines around your mouth. Just a little. Just enough to make people think, “Damn, she’s wise.”

So, Dames, there’s no need to lament the changing of your body. We are not fading away, we are gaining spiritual power.

The next time my daughter asks where my eyelashes are going, I’m going to say, “Eyelashes are for weak women who must bat them to get attention from the opposite sex. I demand attention with this one long hair growing from my forehead. I am the Unicorn. I am the Shaman.”

Feel free to use that line. In the meantime, celebrate your wisdom. Stroke those chin hairs. Look a little crazy. It’s all part of the Real Dames plan.