I have read all of the blogs on why menopause is the greatest time of our lives, and though I’ve seen definite advantages, I believe the articles could be exaggerating just a little.
I mean, just read the list of menopausal symptoms. There’s not one symptom in there that somebody younger would sign up for so they, too, could have the greatest time of their lives. I can see it now, “Oh my gosh, mom, you get to have private area (my daughter won’t let me use the word vaginal) dryness AND weight gain? You are SO LUCKY.”
And, if you’re one of the women skating through menopause without any symptoms, I would like to suggest a few things, but I can only say one of them without being censored — If you are on hormonal replacement therapy, you don’t count. That’s like being an alcoholic who claims quitting drinking was no problem because he or she never stopped drinking.
But, I do agree we deserve some fun.
Menopause should be a reward, something that says, “Every day that you stayed home curled up around a pillow with a hot-water bottle was worth it.
Walking down the high school hallway with that lovely color of red spreading across the back of your white pants? This is your pay-off.
The time you walked out of a job you really needed because suddenly a refrigerator in the break room seemed like a Silkwood moment? Menopause is here, and now you get to have the time of your life!
Because we can’t change our hormonal situation, I would like to suggest that we use better benefit language when describing our menopausal symptoms:
Personal Area Dryness becomes A New Way to Be Smokin’ Hot During Sex
Decreased Fertility becomes You Don’t Have to Push Another Head Out of Your Very Little Orifice
Hot Flashes become Sweating Off the Oldies
Sleep Disturbances become Ways to Read the Entire ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ series without Being Seen
Mood Swings become A Way to Finally Scare that Grouchy Bully at the Post Office/DMV [insert what works for you] with Your Instant Rage
Increased Abdominal Fat becomes Extra Warmth in the Winter and A Place to Put Your Dinner Plate While Watching Television
Thinning Hair becomes A Chance to Show Off that Scalp You’ve Been Talking About or Less Hair to Grab When You Finally Scare that Grouchy Bully at the Post Office/DMV
Loss of Breast Fullness becomes Less Bounce Per Ounce
If you have other suggestions, I’d love to hear them. Let’s turn menopause into an absolute delight … at least on paper.