Spanx, Gag-Wear and Tear-Away Turtlenecks!

I spend most of my money right on our power bill. Since my personal thermostat is inconsistent, I am constantly flipping temperatures in our house up and down. But mostly down, which has caused my husband to wear mittens to bed. Seriously. I freeze him out of the bed every night (and not in the way you would suspect – I mean, literally, freezing).

I often ponder ways to save money when I have time to concentrate. This is often provided by the silence found when my head is in the freezer during a hot flash.

Here are a few of my cool ideas:

  1. Tear-away turtlenecks. It is a cruel fact that just when our necks start to look like a linen blouse after travel, we can no longer stand the suffocating feel of turtlenecks. With the tear-away turtleneck we can cover that neck until a hot flash hits us, at which point we simply and dramatically rip it off. In private, this could be like the dance of the seven veils, only it’s the dance of a single turtle neck. The ripping sound is all our husbands will need to rev their engines. Unfortunately, that is also the very time we won’t want them to touch us.
  2. Necklace Gag Wear. Made out of cloth that will expand with moisture, this necklace will beautifully decorate our decolletage, covering age spots and those lovely mid-chest wrinkles as it expands. It will also serve as a gag when those dark mood flashes hit us and words spew out of our mouths like pea-soup out of Linda Blair. Gag Wear will be perfect when the guy next door notices your red face and says, “Getting a little hot? Going through mental pause?” Just bite your necklace and you’ll prevent weeks of apologies.
  3. Spanx pants with stomach art. These pants would be Spanx with art-work included to make artistic use of our expanding middles. It’s like body art only we’re never, ever naked. Our stomach rolls would suddenly become the rolling foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains; our expanding belly-button would be a tiny little pond on a farm.

Update: Spanx was so impressed with my stomach art idea they have offered a link that takes us Dames straight to Spanx verified codes and coupons for this month. How awesome is that? Thank you, Spanx! I’m subscribing.

Dames: If you have a great product or idea that will help us through menopause, post it below in the comments section or on the DameNation Facebook Fanpage. Or, contact me and I can try it out. If I think it fits for us Dames, I’d be happy to blog about it in my “Fave Products” category of the blog.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go save some money on some Spanx.