The Dame Olympics

I cry as soon as I hear the Olympic theme song. I cry when I see the opening ceremony. Then I cry when I realize how long it takes for all of the athletes to march onto the field.

As I watched what seemed like five thousand country flags pass by, I decided that some of these countries are not real. I think people make them up just in time to qualify.

Therefore, next Olympics, I’m going to declare “Real Dames” a country, and we’re going to have two representatives.

I want to carry the flag, although I won’t be like those perfectionists who were so focused on looking up at the flag they came dangerously close to those people carrying the names of the country, who looked a lot like Joan Cusack in “Sixteen Candles” with her back brace.

I’ve also considered our attire as we march into the arena. I’m thinking if those kids could wear pajama’s in the opening ceremony, so could we. In black, of course.

Concerning which events we might dominate, I believe Dames could:

  • Rock the boxing world. All we’d have to do is wait for a moment of rage and start swinging. I promise you, when I go into a meno-rage there’s not a person in the entire world who could take me in a fight. Well, maybe Manny Pacquiao. Maybe I should request a VERBAL fight. I think that has Dame gold medal potential.
  • Swim like Michael Phelps at the last Olympics. All we’d have to do is wait for a hot flash, and we would beat everybody off the starting block with such speed nobody could catch us.
  • Break records in pole-vaulting. But only if there is chocolate or sugar waiting once we clear the bar.
  • Be world-class sprinters. Just put a doll that our grandchild or niece wants for Christmas at the finish line and tell us it’s the last one available. Then watch us fly.
So get ready, Dames, for the next Olympics. Let me know your skills, and I’ll consider who will accompany me four years from now.
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