The Old, New Cool

I kept scratching the front of my neck when I realized I had my sweater on backwards. The tag was causing the itch. Then I looked in the mirror and realized I had mascara all over my eyelids. I had put on mascara this morning without the aid of my huge magnifying glass, and apparently I felt a need to blink or stare at the ceiling while it was still wet.

May I just take this time to apologize all of the “old ladies” I used to mock because they had lipstick on their cheeks or clumpy shoes or dresses on backwards. I am slowly becoming that old lady, and since I can’t stop the passage of time I’d like to create some marketing spin that makes getting old “cool.”

Here’s my new list of things that are cool:
• Forgetting, mid-sentence, what you were going to say. And having the idea never return even for a short visit, but pulling it off without apology. That’s cool.
• Eyeliner on one eye only because you forgot to finish the other eye. This is very “Clockwork Orange.”
• Asking someone a question you just asked them two minutes earlier. Loss of short-term memory allows for a sense of newness with every moment. Very cool.
• Getting out of a car and walking like a robot because your legs won’t unbend. Very “Terminator,” and futuristically cool.
• Going to a wedding reception and requesting that the D.J. play “Stairway to Heaven” or “Play that Funky Music White Boy.” Knowing the greatest songs of the seventies and eighties is classic.
• Wearing clothes backwards, a new version of the backwards baseball cap. Ultra cool.
If you have any of the above attributes, please know that it doesn’t make you old. It makes you cool. I think I’m the coolest Dame on earth. My backwards sweater and mascara covered face reminded me of that fact this morning.