Where Did All The Pantyhose Go?

I hear that pantyhose are making a comeback. Thank goodness. My legs have never needed them more.

I remember the first time my mom showed me how to put hose on, minus the panty. This was when garters were still around, and you had the very flimsy one leg at a time pantyhose that stretched up your leg, had a wide band at the top, and was held in place by a garter clip. These clips, of course, were fine until you sat down and they dug into the back of your leg. They also had a bad habit of releasing at the most inopportune moments, like when a cute boy looked your way.

Then the bands were elasticized, and fit tightly on your thighs eliminating the need for garters. Unfortunately amputation was needed when your leg lost all circulation and turned blue thanks to the excessive constriction at the top of your thigh.

Finally, pantyhose were born. I remember the adulation from women and the disappointment from men when garters were tossed aside for the more practical, less soft-porn version that went to your waist. While much more convenient, this invention did not stop the running of hose. Nothing was more infuriating than putting on the one new pair of hose that was intended to get you through two weeks only to feel that run crawling, slowly and menacingly, up your thigh.

The brilliance of Underalls™ took hosiery to another level by including the actual panty to eliminate awkward lines. This discovery helped make my slinky, clingy halter dresses I wore to homecoming dance look much better.

Then came my favorite pantyhose – L’eggs. Why? Because they came in an egg, which was awesome. Unfortunately,as you pulled the brand new hose from the egg a plastic edge would inevitably catch the hose and cause an immediate snag. But it was still an egg, much like the one that produced Mork, so I loved it.

Eventually they created a “runless” version of L’eggs that were basically made of rubber. I wore these to work every day because you couldn’t run those suckers with a sharp blade. You also worked up a tremendous sweat when putting them on. I remember having to do Lamaze breathing as I worked from the tips of my toes to my waist.

Now there are more bare legs, right when mine have decided to explode in a kaleidoscope of colors. So, I’m glad that hosiery is making a comeback, because my legs need L’eggs™. And, without hosiery, what will we put our potpourri in? What will we put on our dryers to catch the lint? What will robbers pull over their faces?

Pantyhose, you’ll always have a home with me.

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