Why Babies Still Scare Me

Photo by timparkinson

People often assume that because I’m 50 years-old and have two grown kids that I am no longer afraid of babies. This is not true.

All of the fears I had before actually having babies still hold true. Even my own kids scared me, particularly from the ages of 0 to 6 months.

Why? Because babies hold an advantage over adults and they know it. They have big eyes that suck you in and cause you to act like an idiot.

I read once that babies are given eyes that are proportionately bigger than the rest of their face because it instills in the rest of us a desire to protect that baby. Think about it – doesn’t something with big eyes make you want to pick it up and just squeeze it? Tell me you don’t want to pick up this little kitten with the big eyes:  [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WK5yRtUscO8[/youtube]

This obsession is why people used to love those paintings of big-eyed kids and clowns. My mother made those pictures out of these kits that included stones she would glue to a board. I hated those big-eyed clowns, which might explain my fear of babies.

Behind the eyes of babies lurks a soul that knows their advantage. They look at you and the world stops – you’ll spend hours and lose sleep just trying to make them happy. You’ll make weird sounds, and sing Raffi songs until you think you might vomit.

Behind the twinkling innocence they are judging your skills as a care-taker. Just wait too long to give the baby a bottle and watch those big eyes turn to the glowing pig’s eyes in Amityville Horror.

And they know how to make you look horrible in public. Babies coo and gurgle until you’re in the middle of a public place. Then they cry and scream and bat their big eyes at other adults, declaring you an unfit parent and enrolling assistance.

Babies have the big-eyed advantage, and they know it. So just keep your infants to yourself. I will engage with them when they can speak and I can verbally dominate them.