Why Women Are Scary

In honor of  Halloween, my daughter and I were talking about the new movie “Paranormal Activity 3.” No, I have not and will not see it.  My behavior during menopause is terrifying enough for me. In fact, I am going to direct a sequel called, “Menopausal Activity 4.” I guarantee that audiences will be screaming AND crying by the end of that one.

But, I digress. As my daughter and I discussed Paranormal Activity, we were both amazed by the fact that often the creepiest characters in scary movies are either old women or young girls.

Just remembering the shot of the two girls in “The Shining” brings chills, and my son always says his greatest fear is being haunted by a “little girl ghost.”

So what makes young and old Dames so terrifying? Here are some of my thoughts:

  • We create life. Each one of our children is like a little Frankenstein on the table, at which point we yell, “IT’S ALIVE.” They begin to move and we laugh sinisterly, understanding that this is our little monster.
  • We provide sustenance to our newborn creatures through our own breast milk, and can feed any kid we want to (which, if you’ll read my previous blog on breastfeeding the wrong baby, I have proven).
  • While little boys have this incredible, child-like innocence that lasts until the age of 80, little girls are like grown-ups in a tiny body. If you don’t believe me just remember that little girl in the Welch’s Grape Juice commercial.
  • We can invoke tremendous fear in our teenager Frankensteins with a single look (at least my mother could) that states, YOU’RE GOING TO BE SORRY YOU’RE ALIVE.
  • Beyond our gift of creation, we can actually put a curse on somebody. During a Redskins game years ago, when Joe Theisman was our quarterback. I yelled out “He’s horrible. I wish somebody would break his leg to get him out of the game.” BOOM. Lawrence Taylor broke his leg. We can do it, ladies.

Let’s face it, women have scary power. Later this week I’m going to talk about the power of witches, a role that I’m getting better and better at with every hot flash.

So, Dames, what do you think are our most powerful, frightening powers?